I heart TOP

I heart TOP

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

my first love vs GRATITUDE

wah...it has been a long time I haven't updated my blog...hurmm...yeah today I just feel like writing something...do u guys still remember your first love? I don't know why today I feel like talking about it...don't worry I'm not married yet thus, i didn't feel guilty talking about it..I had someone years back...he was my first love! we fell in love too early and broke up too early...we were too young back then..so that's why...I loved him..yeah I did!! then, after we broke up...I pulled up all my strength to contact him again and i guess..we had quite a good made up...well that's what i thought...actually NO...he did not love me anymore..that guy had someone that he love and that wasn't me ANYMORE. I thought I had a second chance to atone my mistake..for broke up with him..yeah I thought i had that chance,,..but No...I was happy during the 'made up' time and I guess we might had a second chance to be back together again..yeah...I was just getting ahead off myself..People say I am a lucky person..I guess maybe because I did pray a lot..My prayers..."Please give me guidance if he's not for me, please take him away from me and please make me the strongest person ever, Allah.." yeah I guess I asked that prayers...I found a blog that showed me proved me he was in a good relationship with a girl...ahhahah I guess i was a good stalker...then, I checked his FB through my friend's FB and found that he was getting married to the blogger girl......He was just playing around with me i guess...during the made up...

i guess it had already 3 years...of his marriage.this year..that guy...I wished him 'CONGRATULATIONS' first..but then, I thought why did I? I wrote to him the harshest words ever...yeah for a Muslim girl to cursed people with BASTARD, JERK, PIG.....hahhahahah not funny..isn't it? the day that I found about the news I was scared I couldn't hate him, loathe him...I was scaredddddddddddddd..so scaredddddddddddd.... so that if ....if.... I ...I....cursed him with that harshest words my absurd feeling towards him will stop!! END...I was afraid back then, what if I went crazy like... 

"I still love u, H, Do not marry her!!" or I went to his house to stop the marriage like in the drama..or what if that happened? Otokke?

what if I went crazy like that and said "what about it? in this world there is no love that cannot be" I was so afraid!!! so that, I thought if I cursed him with that harshest words....that will stop me doing crazy things like that! at least! because I also thought if I happened to give in, or tried to grab his hands again..for the last time...that words will stop me at least!!!

I used to miss him....sometimes..however there's no way to miss someone's husband, right????..against all odds,  this made me realize how strong I am!!! and how I feel so gratitude of what had happened...I guess, Allah heard my prayers.!!!

''if he's not right for me please send him away...."

He isn't the one for me! He isn't a good match for me!! Yeah.... :D

that's why I always hope women should be strong!!! I can't stand with a weak woman...do not make your life miserable just because a man!! Life is full of magic.... My life is good!! I  put him away the day that he was married to someone....and now, I might not forgot everything about him...but I guess....

 He is just somebody that I used to know........that's all!!!!! nothing more or less

and I did say sorry to him....... because I wanna get rid of everything and of course moved on... :D

My life......is good....when u feel gratitude that's when u know what happiness means... I have someone that I like now...i am not sure whether this is love or not but one thing that i am sure..I guess his love will make me strong...I'm gonna borrow his love for this lonely journey of mine.....

like u know...... People say PhD is a very lonely journey...But, I will keep fighting!!! because that's me!!!